Save Me
by remorseofthedead
Summary: Kanda had always had trouble making friends, but Lavi has always been there, right by his side. Until he talking without thinking and ruins everything. AU
1. Prologue

I do not own -Man.

I wrote this years ago so it might not be great, I haven't re-read it or anything. I did post this chapter once before under a different username, but a lot of things came up so I never got to post anymore.

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Life is meaningless. Love, just an illusion. People are cruel. No one deserves to live…there is nothing to live for. That is what most people in my situation would say. But not me, no. I know that live is worth living. Love exists for those willed enough to find it. It is the most precious things in the world. Love between family, friends or lovers are all special and all worth living for…worth fighting for. I don't want to die, like many will undoubtedly believe, I wish to live, very much so. But, I am still doing this. I am doing this in the hope that when I come back, I won't screw my entire life up with stupid mistakes and hurtful word….Live is worth living…if you don't lose the one person who means the most to you. Like I have. Well, technically, I didn't lose him, for he was never mine to begin with.

Sure, he was my friend at one point. He was always so friendly and cheerful, but I just scorned him. I had too much pride to show kindness to anyone. Just like I had too much pride to admit that I loved the attention he gave me, or that I was the happiest around him. And because of that pride, I have lost him. I took my taunting too far. I never meant to say it, never meant to hurt his feelings so badly. I was just terrified, terrified of the way I felt we he was around, and he just wouldn't take his arm from my shoulders, just wouldn't stop teasing me.

"At least my family didn't abandon me"

I have never hated myself more than I did at that moment. I lost the only friend I had, the only person I have ever loved. The only person, who ever cared enough to try and break through my walls. That is why at this moment, I am sitting at the park, Mugen in one hand and my cell phone in the other, 'Lavi' highlighted on the screen and I figure out how to apologize before I enter the other realm.

"Lavi….I know you do not want anything to do with me…I completely understand. I just had to let you know that I am sorry. I don't know why I said what I did. I never meant to hurt, I would never want to cause you any sort of pain….You were my best friend, my only friend. You always made me feel safe…cared for…and…..warm. I don't remember ever feeling this way around anyone else. And it scared me. I had no idea what this feeling was. But I realized it after you walked away. I love you, Lavi. I have always loved you. I am not looking for forgiveness, I know that I do not deserve it….I just had to let you know that I am truly sorry…Good-bye Lavi."

I hang-up and throw my phone to the side, not caring where it landed. I had done all I needed to do. I had apologized the best I could. I had confessed my feelings. There was nothing left for me to do. I pick up Mugen and run her blade across the palm of my hand, watching with fascinations as deep red blood begins to flow out of the small wound. I grab the hilt and position it so that it will slide into my stomach. It would be a slow, painful death, I know that. But it is what I deserve. I should suffer, not die quickly.

I slowly began pushing the blade into my stomach. Rejoicing in the sting of the wound, knowing that this is what I deserved….that this is what would make Lavi happy. To never have to see my face again. After what seemed like hours, I finally feel the tip pierce through my back. I push the last few inches in and pull my hands away. I look down and watch as the blood drips from my now blood stained hands and the hilt of Mugen. Fascinated at the way it colors the once vibrant green grass into a sickly dull brown.

My visions begins to fade and I start to think of all of the time I spend with Lavi….all of the laughter, well his laughter at least…I could never allow myself to laugh out loud. I just acted as if his stupid jokes and cheerfulness was obnoxious. But I secretly loved it. I always wished that I could be half as happy as Lavi was, half as outgoing. But I was raised with pride, with dignity and it was the only thing I felt safe with. Maybe that is what attracted me to Lavi. But I had hurt him, more than I have ever hurt anyone in my life. This will be my reparation.

I double over, using my hands to support myself. Coughs rack through my body and blood pours from my mouth. My vision begins to blur, much faster than I had expected it to. The first tings of fear and doubt began to shoot through my head. Was I doing the right thing? Would this really make Lavi happier?


	2. Chapter 1

I do not own -Man.

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I walk through the front door, having just got done with picking up some food for the day. Putting the grocery away and plugging in my cell phone that had died this morning, I turn around and head into living room, planning on taking a nap on the couch for a while. Lying down, I close my eyes and suddenly begin thinking of Kanda. What he said was really hurtful, but I know he didn't really mean it. He is always saying things like that when he gets annoyed, which is pretty much always. But his last comment went a little too far, but if he apologizes then I will forgive him. But that wasn't likely to happen, he has way too much pride for that. Maybe I should just try to talk to him. Sighing slightly I drift off to sleep.

I wake up a few hours later and make my way into the kitchen to fix a late lunch. Taking a bite of my sandwich, I unplug my phone and turn it on. Noticing that I had a missed call and a message, I put the phone to my ear and begin playing the message. I was shocked to hear Kanda's voice, I was even more shocked with what he had to say. Not noticing when my sandwich fell to the floor, I grab my keys and rush out the door. Getting in my car, I dial Kanda's number hoping that it is not too late. Groaning in frustration, I look to see what time he had called, staring in horror when I realize that it had been over four hours ago.

Putting the phone on speaker, I try again to call him as I back out of the driveway. I speed towards his house, hitting redial every couple of seconds, but still with no answer. Ten minutes later, I pull into his driveway and start banging on the door, not even bothering to turn the car off. Not receiving an answer, I yell in frustration when I hear my phone begin to ring in my car. Running over, I quickly answer with a breathy "Hello."

"Hello, is this Lavi Bookman?" a woman asks kindly.

"Yes it is," I answer confused and slightly disappointed.

"Hello Mr. Bookman, I am calling to inform you that a Yu Kanda is currently at our hospital. You were the first name on his phone, so we thought that you would like to know." she tells me before telling me the name of the hospital and the room he is in. I quickly thank her and hang up, jumping back into my car and driving off. The trip to the hospital was a blur, I don't remember anything about it, I was focused solely on Kanda.

Rushing into the hospital, I run up to his room and burst in. I stop in my tracks seeing Kanda lying there, skin pale, dark hair fanned out around him. Sitting heavily in the seat next to his bed, I grab his hand, gripping it tightly.

"How could something like this happen, Kanda? What would make you think that this was the only option of course I still want something to do with you. You're my best friend Kanda. Why didn't I notice this? Why didn't you say anything? I'm not mad at you Kanda, I was never really mad at you. I'll admit that I was a little hurt. But there was no reason for you to do this. Did you even think of how badly this would make me feel?" I whisper as tears begin to flow down my cheeks. I cross my arms on the bed, my right hand still gripping tightly onto Kanda's, and lay my head on my arms as I begin to sob.

"Ah, you must be Mr. Kanda's friend. We have been trying to get a hold of his parents, but no one is answering. Do you know anyway we can?" I am broken out of despair about thirty minutes later. Looking up, I see a middle aged man dressed in a white coat.

"They're away on business right now. They won't be back for a few more days, but I'll try to call them later…Is Kanda going to be alright?" I ask urgently, standing up. I watch nervously as he looks down at his clipboard.

"Strictly speaking, I am not supposed to tell you anything. But you obviously care a lot about this young man…Just don't tell anyone that I told you…He serious damaged most of the organs in his abdomen. We tried our best to close them all and make sure there would be no more leakage or anything. But we still don't know if he will make it or not." he told me seriously. I cover my eyes with my hand and sink slowly back into the chair, not even noticing the doctor leaving.


	3. Chapter 2

I do not own -Man.

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I sit heavily into the seat next to Kanda's bed. It's been weeks and still there is no sign of him waking. They warned me that the chance of him waking wasn't very high, but Kanda is strong, he has to pull through this…right? He wouldn't let something like this kill him.

Allen and Lenalee have stopped by a few times. They assured me that everything would be fine…they also forced me to leave long enough to get some sleep and a shower. I have been spending pretty much every second of my day sitting here with Kanda. I feel as if it is mostly my fault. I should have notice something was wrong. I should have assured him that I wasn't angry, that everything was okay. But I didn't. I failed my best friend and I really don't know what I'll do if he doesn't wake up. But I can't think about that, I have to stay positive, I have to believe in Kanda…But that seems to get harder each day that passes.

Sighing softly, I glance over at him. "You're going to alright….aren't you Kanda. You wouldn't die so easily….You have to wake up Kanda. You can't leave me alone. I love you so much, Kanda. I don't know what to do with you not here. It's so strange, not having you constantly threaten to slice me into pieces, or to see you glaring at anyone who dares to look your way….Even though I can see you lying there, I still feel as if it isn't you. I feel like I have no idea where you are, who it is lying in this bed…and it scares me. Please wake up Kanda…my life is empty without you here." I stutter out through the tears. I don't know what made me say all of that, I mean sure, I had been talking to him everyday, but it was always just nonsense, never anything like that. Wiping the tears away, I lean back in my chair and drift off.

Days pass, I'm not really sure how many, they all began blurring together after a while. Kanda still hasn't woken up, but I can no longer be by his side as much as I want. I was forced to go back to work, or risk losing my job, which I couldn't afford. It kills me thinking about Kanda lying there alone. What if he wakes up while no one is there and thinks I still hate him? What is something happens and I am not contacted? I want to be there for him, but me losing my job and becoming homeless wouldn't really help anything.

I know that I look terrible at the moment. I spend my days at work counting down the seconds until I can leave, then I head straight to the hospital, where I stay every night. It has begun to take a toll on me. I constantly have dark bags under my eye and am always feeling tired. I've also lost a bit of weight. I barely eat or sleep, but I know everything will get better when Kanda is awake and we can finally put this whole mess behind us.

Rubbing tiredly at the back of my neck, I make my way down the hall towards Kanda's room. Walking in, I pull my seat up next to the bed and sit down. Holding one of his hands, I greet him and tell him about my day. I imagine what would be going on if he were awake and actually listening to me. He would scoff, insisting that he didn't care what I did during my work day, but would still stand there and listen as I ramble on. I fall asleep, still tightly grasping your hand, my head pillowed by my other arm.

I am woken up a few minutes later. I sit up, looking around to determine what had woken me. Finding nothing, I shrug my shoulders and lay my head down to go back to sleep. That was when I felt it. Sitting in up in surprise, I stare down at our hands where I watch happily as you begin moving your hand.

"Kanda?" I ask softly, afraid that if I talk any louder that I will wake up and realize that this is just a dream. "Kanda?…Yu? Come Yu, wake up." I whisper, leaning in closer to you. I watch in amusement as you squeeze your eyes shut for a second before slowly blinking them open. I smile widen down at him, my smile only widening as he glares at me. I back away and pour a glass of water, before helping him sit up to drink it. I suppressed a laugh, noticing his embarrassed expression.

"How are you feeling, Yu?" I ask happily sitting back down. He glares around the room, before turning back to face me.

"What am I doing here?" he asks, his voice breaking a little. I scratch the back of my head, not really sure what I should tell him.

"Well….you stabbed yourself," I answer honestly. He looks at me confused for a second, before his eyes widen in remembrance.

"Get out," he demands, turning to face the opposite direction. I stare at him in shock, not really understanding what was wrong. I reach forward, only to have my hand smacked weakly away. "I said Get out." he demands, glaring angrily at me. I stand up and walk out, not wanting Kanda to get upset and hurt himself in some way. I inform the nurses that he is awake, before making my way out to my car and driving home.


	4. Chapter 3

I do not own -Man.

Sorry this one is so short.

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That damned Rabbit has been visiting me everyday, no matter how much I glare or threaten, he always comes back. Why won't he just leave me alone? Why can't he understand that I don't want him around?

Letting out a sigh, I sink back into the bed, closing my eyes tightly. It has been a week since I had woken up. Other than Lavi, Allen and Lenalee come here everyday as well, obviously feeling pity for me. I want to run them off as well, but Lenalee doesn't let my temper affect her, so it is pretty much impossible. But I hate it, I hate that they see me in such a weak state. I hate that they know what happened and feel the need to pity me so much….I hate that Lavi saved me at all.

It just doesn't make sense. He hated me, so why would he save my life? Wouldn't he be happy that I was gone? Maybe he thought that people would blame him and he didn't want to deal with that. Or, maybe, the message I left him made him feel like it was his fault and he didn't want to the guilty conscious. That doesn't explain why he keeps visiting me though…But that is probably just pity. Pity for poor depressed, gay Kanda, who fell in love with his best friend and tried to kill himself.

Letting out another sigh, I close my eyes, hoping to fall asleep before anyone arrives today. I should have known that would be impossible however. Not five minutes after closing my eyes, the door flies open revealing a grinning redhead.

"Yu, how are you feeling today?" he asks excitedly, taking a seat next to the bed. I glare at him for a second before turning my head away.

"Go away," I bark out, glaring out of the window next to my bed. I hear him let out a sigh, but remain sitting.

"Yu…why are you so angry with me?" he asks softly, his usually loud voice now soft and slightly sad. "Lenalee says that her and Allen visit you all the time. I don't understand why you are okay with them being here, but not me."

I feel my anger rise as my eye begins to twitch. He couldn't really be this stupid, could he? Was he just playing some cruel joke? Just trying to make me as awkward as possible? Or does he really expect me to tell him?…to repeat everything I left on his voicemail?…Like hell I will.

I turn my head back to face him, glaring with as much hatred and anger as I could muster. "I don't know what you think you are doing, but if I ever see you again, I will kill you…Go away," I demand through my clenched teeth. His eyes widen and he stares at me in shock for a few seconds before turning his head downward and standing up.

"Alright, Kanda. I don't know what I did wrong, but you are obviously upset with me, so I will leave for now. I don't want you getting too worked up and making your condition worse…But I would really like to know why you are so angry." he says, staring at me through his bangs. I continue glaring at him, until he lets out a sigh and leaves, looking back at me briefly before closing the door.

I let out a sigh, trying to calm myself down. I shouldn't get so worked up by him, but I just can't help it. Everything he does gets to me, but maybe that is just part of being in love. I wish I didn't love him, none of this would have ever happened. We would still be friends, I wouldn't be in the hospital because of an attempted suicide. But now, now everything is completely messed up. I lost my, only, friend. I nearly died. I even have to start going to therapy. And it is all his fault. That damned, annoying, completely perfect Rabbit. Letting out another sigh, I lay back and finally drift off to sleep.


End file.
